Chapter 9: Friends, Lovers & Famiies

Chapter 9: Friends, Lovers & Families

Friendship

Friendship

v  Is an interpersonal relationship

v  Must be mutually productive

v  Charactaracterized by mutual positive regard (you like me, I like you)

·         Trust

·         Emotional support

·         Sharing interest

Friendship types

The friendship of reciprocity

•   Loyalty, self-sacrifice, mutual affection, generosity.
• Share equally in giving receiving the benefits and rewards of the relationship.

The friendship of receptivity

• One person is the primary giver, and one the primary receiver.
•   Ex : teacher & students, doctor & patient

The friendship of association

•  friendly relationship
• There is no great loyalty, no great trust, no great giving & receiving.
•  Ex : classmates, neighbours, co-workers

Why do we seek out friendship and close relationships?

Utility purposes

• Help you to achieve your specific goals and need.
• Ex: those who good in Math may teach you that subject.

Affirmation

•   help you to recognize your attributes
•  Ex: those who would help you see more clearly your leadership abilities.

Ego support

•  Someone who behave in supportive and encouraging.
•   Ex: those who would help you view yourself as worthy.

Stimulation:

•  Introduces you to new ideas, help you to expand your worldview

Security

•   Someone who does nothing to hurt you

Development stages of friendship

Initial contact & acquaintanceship

• The first stage of friendship
• Impressions are formed.
• Important to stay open and welcoming of the presence of your new acquaintance.

Casual friendship

• The second stage of friendship.
• Dyadic (of a relation) consciousness takes place
• Doing things together

Close and intimate friendship

• The third stage of friendship
•  Most intimate forms of togetherness.

The value of friendship would also be affected by:

•  Culture
• Gender differences
•  technology

Friendship and culture

v  Different cultures would bring about a different meaning to friendships and relationships.

v  Collective society : the more friends, the better

v  Individualist society: the more friends I have the lesser chance of getting a promotion in workplace.

v  High ambiguity :

• Presence of friends – is expected & welcomed.

v  Low ambiguity :

• Why should I hang out with people that I don’t know?

Friendship and gender

v  Male and female kin view friendships and relationships differently

v  Men  are more keen to develop more acquaintances, but not true friends

v  Women are more able to keep and maintain close friends around them. But tends to get jealous more.

v  Self-disclosure :

•  Men would also self-disclose their secrets lesser than a women. à because of ego

Friendship and technology

• The meaning of friendship has been diluted by the improvement and usage of technology in our lives.
•  In the past, it used to be meaningful to have 10 friends which you keep in touch with, but these days you can have 5000 friends in facebook and you don’t even keep in contact with 5 of them on a regular basis.

Romantic relationship

Types of love
  Eros :

•   erotic, sensual, desire, lust

  Ludus :

• excitement, fun, entertainment

Storge 

•    peaceful and slow.

Pragma :

•   practical and traditional

Mania :

•   extremist of opposites

Agape

•   : unconditional love

Eros  

• Basically this category represents love that comes out physical attraction, beauty and appearance. Often sex and lust becomes the result of this category

Ludus

•  This form of love represents the thrill of excitement and pleasure seeking, often only seeking temporary measures and ways to fulfill their need to have fun.
• Usually ludic lovers are those who are individualists or self-centered and would only maintain the relationship with their partner until they become bored,

Storge

• This form of love represents the act of seeking for love but with the absence of passion and emotion in the process.
•     Sarah, who is 23, in her culture she needs to get married already, but because she has no time for love, her parents arranged her to be married with another man. Both individual feel no love and passion for one another, but only viewing each other as a companion to please their parents and their culture.
• Pragma

• Lover this category are more concerned of the ability of the other partner and the benefits that they could gain from the relationship.
• Asian parents – often questioning the male kin on whether they have enough money to support the family

Mania

v  Lover in this category is a bit of a psycho- they love the thrill of having love and at the same is depressed or worried of having love.

v  Many individuals in an individualists and low ambiguity society tend to fall into this category. They often think:  

•   “I am very lonely….. I need a man/women in my live”

But when they have man or women in their live-

•   “she love me for money, not for me”
•     “Will he leave me for another prettier and more successful girl?”

Agape:

v  unconditional love

v  This love is truly unconditional love – loving another with no favor expected in return.

v  Can be considered as the highest and most selfless form of love.

•      Love of a parent to their child

Love and communication

•  Love enhances all forms of verbal and non-verbal communications and encourages a deeper level of conversation.

Love and culture

• Love is interpreted and practiced differently from various cultures around the globe.
•  For instance, in America, lovers are more intimate and more active in showing their love(buying flowers etc) whereas in Asian countries, love is considered a taboo topic until the individuals have reached a certain age and overall, love take a more passive position in Asian countries.

Love and gender

• Who is the better lover? Men or women? The jury is out for neither – both men and women love differently.
•  Men for example, is more and eros and ludic lover, whereas women are more of the pragma lover.

Love and technology

• Likewise with friendships, the meaning of love is also diluted by the growth of technology.
•  Non verbal cues and verbal cues for instance, becomes more diluted by the cold and digital texts and messages done through emails, text messages, whatsapp, facebook, twitter etc.

Families

v  Each family has their own uniqueness and characteristics, but they do normally follow a certain set of rules and criteria, such as :

·         Defined roles

·         Recognition of responsibilities

·         Shared history & future

·         Shared living space

Types of family:

Traditional couples

•  The conventional form of a family – shared values, beliefs, tolerance for one another.

Independent couples

• Individuals in this family setting stress individuality as the main theme in the family – unfortunately this is how the modern family is today.

Separate couples

•  This family setting is not really a family but individuals in this family stay together for a common benefit (paying the rent, sharing living space, etc)

Family and communication
 Each family communicates with one another differently, but would also adhere to the same principles of communication :

Equality :

•  Individual in families would often seek an equal terms of respect, love and understanding with one another

Balanced split:

•  families with a balanced split have a balanced amount of  responsibilities

o   Ex; fathers would get money from work; mother would prepare and take care of the family and house as in return (balanced).

Unbalanced split:

•  A mother having to work for money and taking care of the home but the father just stay at home unemployed and not even doing the housework.

Monopoly

• one person is the authority
•   a very traditional and conventional family setting

Family and culture

• Highly individualist cultures would not have a conductive setting for a healthy family. But would often be prepared to accept changes and self-disclosure

Family and technology

•  Research showed that while the participants in the family are more active in conversation, with one another(via text message, email, facebook, etc) the quality and value of those conversations are diluted and almost meaningless and lack sincerity